Selma Blair Sucks -- Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

I think the fact that the critical community adores Hellboy can be attributed to the fact that they've been starved of quality in special-effects laden superhero flicks for years. As audiences, we've been subjected to a lot of soulless formula fare with pricey graphics, but cheap writing and cheaper acting. So when Guillermo del Toro makes an effort and puts his heart into making something offbeat (and for less money than Hulk or Hancock), everyone applauds. Unfortunately, just because it's creative in one or two respects doesn't make it quality. Jeffrey Tambor hams it up and proves that he's hip and wit it when he drops the line, "I hate YouTube." Well, I hate to say it, because I find Hellboy appealing on several levels, but this movie belongs on the internet more than it does in a theater.

The first one was refreshing because it didn't have a stereotypical goody-goody or a tortured moral mess as its lead...it was just some Guy, albeit red-skinned and from some type of Hades. Unfortunately, the pacing, structure, and acting in the movie wasn't nearly as imaginative. Selma Blair (Liz), for one, was a bore and, with the possible exception of Kronin the clockwork assassin, he villains were painfully campy. Still, it was fun and I am all for a franchise drawing from the aspects that worked: Ron Perlman and the concept of a beer-swigging, Baby Ruth-chewing hero.




Hellboy 2: The Golden Army does maintain this pretty well. Hellboy's affable nature combined with a gruff mistrust toward authority and a childish reckless streak are front and center in Perlman's performance. He's witty, but he's not annoying. He's badass, but he's sensitive. In the current movie franchises, Bruce Wayne is someone to be feared, Clark Kent is a bland nerd, Tony Stark is kind of a douche, and Peter Parker is an annoying manchild. Hellboy is someone you can kick back and share a beer with and he's the least human out of all of them (or is he the most?)

I think everyone agrees that the scene where he and Abe (Doug Jones) get drunk and discuss women is inspired. This is a moment that del Toro gets completely right. We occasionally want to relate to our protagonists on a goofy level. And I want my movies to acknowledge the fact that superheros can drink without being alcoholics. I also appreciate heroes that don't get the opposite sex.

But there's a point where The Dumb stops being realistic or endearing and just annoying.

Both Hellboy movies suffer from dumb characters, but Hellboy 2 is potentially worse, with lame character motivation, tired dialogue, and grade school logic.

"Hey, I'm going to rescue this baby by swinging around shooting at a monster that's after me specifically while holding it with my tail at all times. I could have dropped it off with its mother ages ago, but this will make me just so damn endearing to the humans." No wonder the mom was pissed at him.

I won't even directly mention the frustrating Duh moment at the end of the movie which everyone inevitably comments on when discussing it. It's just an example of sloppy plot development.

But while we're talking about Princess Nuala, I'd like to say that her accent got on my nerves, and if that's what the actress actually sounds like, I wish they'd found a British person who doesn't sound like she's freaking Amanda Bynes trying to fool some cute British guy into liking her. Worse was the unconvincing "suddenly we're in love because Abe needs a reason to drink Tecate" schtick. Forced romances are the worst...

....which is why I wish they had fired Selma Blair.



I don't understand why so many people are saying she improved, but she didn't. What you're mistaking for better acting is a new haircut. Also, she's on fire more often, occasionally masking her one facial expression: "disaffected." She goes from "I can't live with you, Hellboy" to "you've exposed my freakisness to the world, I am angry" to "I shall tentatively give you pecks of comfort" to "Omg, save my rock-fisted boyfriend" without a trace of internal struggle. In fact, I'm not entirely sure Liz Sherman or Selma Blair remember what they felt in the last scene.

On the note of character motivation, I like how Agent Krauss was aware enough of his dwindling screen time to hint that he'd have a backstory if the studio allows another sequel. Johann Krauss on the whole was kind of a disappointment for me. His locker room confrontation with Hellboy was nothing more than Nickelodeon slapstick and the accent got old fast. As a person who's taken German, I take exception to Seth Macfarlane playing off the old "happy German soldier in lederhosen" schtick. Oh, and haha, he used a made-up and/or archaic German substitue for "penis." Inspired. Simply inspired.



Finally, as far as characters go, Prince Nuada was a step up from Rasputin, but...that's about it. The movie didn't taken enough advantage of his apparent ability to make treachery appealing to Hellboy.

The thing that saves this film from being worse than its predecessor is the imagination applied to its creatures and its settings. Rather than fighting Generic Multiplying Tongue Beast from Hell, Hellboy confronts some really cute, but carnivorous "tooth fairies" at the beginning (like cornish pixies from Harry Potter except they process you like ground meat). The troll market pulses with some of the best creative dementia since the Mos Eisley cantina. And the Golden Army itself is both a menancing threat and something I would like to tinker with in my basement.



Basically, it all smacks of Pan's Labyrinth, but that's a good thing. Whatever his shortcomings in action films, del Toro has a talented inner eye and efficiently uses computers, puppetry, costumes and make up to create something refreshing to witness. This kind of production value combined with a script penned by someone other than Mr. Wink the Metal Gloved Troll would have made The Golden Army substantially better than Hellboy, but all things considered, it's about as satisfying as the first one.

Still, the Angel of Death scene makes it clear that del Toro will make a third given the chance. And honestly, I would look forward to it. If the filmmakers follow through with the implications made right before the final battle, it would make for a very intersting dilemma and perhaps a less cliche ending...and there's something to be said for the fact that I kind of want Red to be okay at the end of the series.

....They can kill Liz if they want, though.